Las Vs Layz and other not so short stories
by MatChuChang
Summary: Wild, weird, and wacky events throughout the 40k universe! I'm really bad at summaries, so please don't hurt me.
1. Chapter 1

**Las vs. Layz**

Some Telepathic Duct

Ref: 1-c4n-wr1t3-1337

Date: 0123456. Mk.41

Subject: Some battle or something like that

Transcription: Some drunken astropath, A Pub 00sdg/12ay-JGS

Recipient: to whom it may concern

Brief: or boxers

Orders: uh… I forgot

See attached files: IG-Vlw, 123f Chaos, IX-321 (ef) Slaanesh, and lots of other boring crap and stuff

Benedictum: I like cheese

END TRANSMISSION (FINALLY) +

On some grassland battlefield, a very large amount of guardsmen sat behind a hill.

"H'okay troops," sergeant Yelles addressed the large platoon of some 50-60 guardsmen; of which only one and a half were listening.

" We got ourselves a big battle today, against them Slaaneshi peoples. But who cares. Just go an' fight 'em." Yelles was obviously not a motivational speaker. Someone coughed.

" …Uh, okay then, but if we don't fight, they'll just kill us or worse."

At this, the guardsmen jumped up and ran over the hill to charge the assembled group of Emperor's Children and Slaaneshi cultists. Several guardsmen tripped.

Random Guardsman #27 ran out of las-bolts quite quickly.

"Oh shit. That's just wonderful. Where's an extra clip of las-shots when you need 'em?"

A cultist over heard that comment and walked over to R.G.27.

" Las! It's **_LAYZ_**! Duh. As in layz-er."

" What? No way man, er woman, uh, what are you anyway?"

"Slaaneshi,"

"Well whatever you are, layz is wrong! It's definitely las,"

"Nuh-uh. Layz,"

"Really, as in layz-guns? Do you know how retarded that sounds! Layz-guns! Makes it sound like you're having sex with guns!"

"I'm Slaaneshi. I have don't who or what I have sex with"

R.G.27 slowly stepped a few paces back.

" It's still retarded." R.G.27 said sheepishly.

"Oh really? As retarded as The Emperor sitting on that golden toilet for some 2 million years?" The cultist started ranting.

"As retarded as the Eldar being nearly wiped out by a giant? As retarded as Orks love of the word Waagh? As retarded as this whole argument?" At the final word, the cultist fell over onto the grass and glared at R.G.27

"Uh, yeah. **_WAY_** more retarded." R.G.27 responded, then stuck his pinky in his ear.

The cultist then tackled R.G.27 and a fight broke out.

"Jerk!"

"Idiot"

"$$-Hole!"

" Mother-er!

The fight suddenly stopped.

"Thank you," said the cultist.

" Uh, it's not a complement." Replied R.G.27

"Oh, right." Then the fight resumed.

In a Leman Russ Mk.IV

Ksshhk+ "I got a lock on a cultist, sir. Over."

Ksshhk+ "Well then what are you talking to me for? Wing that muthah! Over."

Ksshhk+ "Right away sir, over."

Ksshhk+ "You know, we're in the same vehicle. We don't have to do this. Over."

Ksshhk+ "Oh, yeah. Over."

Meanwhile, the fight was still going on. Then the cultist remembered he had a las/layz pistol, and pointed it at R.G.27.

"Don't move!" screamed the guy with the gun.

"I seriously wasn't planning on it," said R.G.27.

_**FRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!**_

In the same Leman Russ

Ksshhk+ "Woo-Hoo! I got 'im! Over."

Ksshhk+ "Woot! Over."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Then the cultist was freemed off the face of the planet.

Ksshhk+ "Got 'im with my lascannon! Over."

Ksshhk+ "Is it las or layz? Over."


	2. A Tribute to the Old and Infirm

A Tribute to the Old and Infirm 

Telepathic Duct: Astropath-Bob

Ref: 555ALS-glo5t1ck-SEL-m0/Outer circle/Ad. Mech

Date: 0298539.M41

Subject: Angry Old Gods/Xenos; Eye of Terror, Terra, Eldar Craftworlds

Transcription: Terra Public Library

Recipient: Whoever actually reads this.

Brief: not necessarily

Orders: Keep the old people happy long enough that forget about this message

See attached files: previous chapter, Legio Custodes 321, Eldar Craftworlds, enemies of the Imperium

Benedictum: Something, something, and something else

Two Legio Custodes Troopers stood in front of the door to the Holy Bathroom of Terra. Suddenly a scream emanated from inside.

" Curses, it's happened again!" cried Legio Custodes Trooper 1.

" Go, go, go!" screamed Legio Custodes Trooper 2 as they rammed the doors with thousands of force weapon strikes.

"Wait comrade!" L.C.T1 shouted over his partners futile attempts to destroy the door. "The button is right there!"

L.C.T1 pushed the button that opened the door, that L.C.T2 promptly fell through. L.C.T1 ran through the door, trampling his friend with his 1-ton power-armored girth.

"My liege!" L.C.T1 screamed.

"What?" the Emperor screamed from his golden throne/toilet.

"Wha hoppon?" L.C.T2 stumbled forward.

"Can't anyone get privacy anymore?" the Emperor grumbled. " I knew I shouldn't have eaten that last taco. Now all these young fools barging in on me."

The two troopers slowly sidled away.

"The Emperor has never been the same since Horus crippled his bladder." L.C.T2 sighed.

"Foul daemon-worshiper!" screamed L.C.T1 as he purged L.C.T2 with Holy psychic might.

Meanwhile…

A group of Warlocks sat in a Wraithbone nursing home, er, command post talking.

" Meh, those younger races don't know what they're doin'," murmured Warlock 1. "Tryin' ta conquer the known universe. Back in my day, before we got rid of eye-drops, we had already done that, and life was good! Then, 'cuz we were all so damn bored, we decided to make another god or goddess. It ended up with a nasty case of pink eye, and because we had no eye-drops to appease it, it gave a cry that destroyed most of our race! For all know, it might've grown up to be some freaky vampire porn god/goddess."

The other "venerable" warlocks nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile in the Warp…

Slaanesh, Khorne, Nurgle, and Tzeentch floated around talking about better days.

"When I was born, I ended up a sickly babe, with a nasty case of pink eye." Slaanesh lamented.

"Fool!" Nurgle screeched. " Sickness is a blessing it gives you power!"

"Week fools, Khorne no sick! Khorne no ever sick! Sick bad! Sick make you sick! That bad!" Khorne shouted.

"Now, now Khorne, all change is good," Tzeentch replied, before turning into a hypodermic needle.

Nurgle then sneezed on Khorne who jumped away in fright. Slaanesh then pinned down Khorne, and Tzeentch proceeded to poke Khorne's rear end.

"Khorne no sick!" Khorne cried out. "Khorne want mommy!"

Suddenly, all the excitement got to the old geezers, who promptly fell asleep just in time for their afternoon nap.

Has your 40k army been offended yet? No worries. It's only a matter of time.


End file.
